Busy Bee

Hey Folks,

You won't be hearing from me for about a week. I'm getting slammed with work and starting school. Once I get my ish together I will be back informing you of my my mediocre yet crazy life. Try not to miss me too much=)

~The Narcist

My Work BFF

As you guys know, I started a new job and I work with a bunch of crazies. It's only natural that in that type of atmosphere I cling to the the most normal person there, the receptionist, Whitney*.

Whitney is my work BFF because she holds it down! If I'm late coming from lunch she always got me covered. She puts fun little messages on the coffee to brighten everybody's morning. She laughs with me when Amy Winehouse orders three jack and cokes at the office happy hours. She also keeps me abreast of all the office gossip, and alerts me immediately when a cute DHL/UPS/Fed-Ex guy comes through. I mean who could ask for better?

Despite Whitney's greatness, I sometimes wonder if we'd be friends outside of work. On paper we're pretty similar, we're both black, in our early twenties, and working to complete our education. You'd think we'd be able to carry our chemistry in the workplace, outside, but I just don't see that happening. Since I'm better at making lists then actually writing, let me give a few reasons why Whitney will only remain my work BFF:

1. She's a tramp**-Whitney is very pretty with a great curves that a lot of men have handled. When I commented on how cute one of the mail guys was she replied with, "I know he has a big ding a ling too." When I asked her if she wanted to go to a bar with me she replied with, "I can't, I fucked the owner two nights ago." When I asked her if the owner was responsible for the quarter sized hickey on her neck she replied with, "No, I wanted to go see Keisha Cole so I made out with this guy so he would take me." I responded with, "The tickets were only $20" she shot back with, "Yeah, but $20 aint free." After that I just stopped discussing men with her.

2. She's not that clever- I didn't realize this until recently because our previous conversations were only about boys, clothes, and our co-workers. I know I'm not one to talk; I can't spell, I constantly use run on sentences, and I don't believe in proofreading, but Whitney takes the cake. I don't even have the time to rundown all the silly stuff this girl has done. I will say this, she sincerely thought Prius was a planet.

3. She smokes cigarettes-EWW!

4. She doesn't think Common is sexy-Yall already know thats a deal breaker in my book! It's unacceptable to disrespect Common's sexiness.

*I call her Whitney because she's the Whitney to my Lauren. DUH !
**I don't judge those who share their bodies freely, I'm just not the type to do so. I'm sure everybody has a DHL guy, bar promoter, or aspiring rapper that they'd like to erase from the books. In my case I have all three=/

Dayum!

OH.MY.GOSH.

On a Random Note

I need a lawyer.

Today I was walking down the street enjoying a chicken, broccli and cheddar lean pocket, when all of a sudden I felt a pain so intense that I released a blood curdling shreik. Some hot cheddar had dripped from the bottom of the lean pocket onto my chin. It left a visibly red splotch on my chin for at least two hours. I'm considering taking legal action. It was seriously that painful...

In other random news I've changed the way I write my eights.

When I was in tenth grade I decided to change the way I wrote my eights because they weren't bubbly looking enough. Instead of constructing the number in one fluid motion, I would make two circles on top of each other snow man style. My eights looked somthing like this:


Around the beginning of August, I decided that a woman, 22 years of age should not have such childish and ackward eights. I began the eight transformation and I am happy to say that it is now complete. My new eights look something like this:

Well when I write it out it looks far sexier and much more sophisticated.

Thats all for now. If I said anything more you guys would think I was weird or somthing. What? You already thing I'm weird? Crazy too? Oh...

I Think...

...grape Shasta has crack in it. There is no reason for that soda to taste so good. And it's just not the grape, the fruit punch is pretty damn good too.



I'll come back and write a real post after I pour my fourth glass of Shasta and watch my recorded Big Love and Hills episode.

Please Explain Why

This is a picture of my little cousin's newest tattoo.



The P is for Princess....

I will never understand why a privileged 16 year old girl would do this to her finger. It looks super retarded to me because when she actually flips somebody off the P and crown are upside down. When I pointed that out to her she told me that I was a "Damn Hater" SMH.

Wanted

A fairy, genie, or any other magical creature that grants wishes.

I know it sounds pretty selfish; but if I could get my hands on one of these mystical creatures I wouldn't wish for an end to global warming, or world peace, or any other beauty pagent answer. I would ask for the following

1.) A flatter tummy- Now I'm pretty sure I can achieve this by myself, but it would be far less painful and sweaty if I could just wish my rotund gut away. I tried on a dress this past friday that I haven't worn since March. When I put on the dress I noticed that I looked approximentaly 4 months pregnant. NOT A GOOD LOOK! I was determined to wear the dress out so I stuffed my gut into a pair of spanx AND a corset. I couldn't picture myself induring those types of constraints for the whole night so I changed into jeans and a halter top. BOO!!!

2.) A fatter paycheck-I'm super tired of being super broke. I feel like I'm always playing catch up. I'm looking forward to starting a new position this Monday so hopefully we'll see an increase in my paycheck. Plus if my paycheck became really fat then I could knock out wish #1, get a tummy tuck, and then wish away global warming. See I'm not THAT selfish=)

3.) A Mr. Narcist-I'm quite shocked that I'd even wish this because I'm a firm believer in summertime being for singleness and winter time being for coupleness. However, I find myself wishing I could disappear to the beach for the weekend with a boyfriend instead with my girlfriends. Hopefully I'll get over this soon because MD/DC's current selection of men is seriously lacking! Oh yeah, Mr. Narcist would also have to love me with my ample belly and slim pockets.

So, if anybody knows of any genies looking for work, send them my way. I'll have a couple of things for them to do...